A Practise Cut and Feedback

This is one of my rough cuts, I got some feedback on it on how to improve it. I felt as i watched it the shots of the children playing were quit long winded and they were quite similar throughout.
After showing my teacher and my class my video, of which i thought was very close to be finished, I received a lot of feedback to improve my final cut and i have quite a few changes to make before my deadline which is in a few days, this is a sheet of the feedback i received, i will work on from this feedback to improve my video. I was told to take out the lip syncing of the 2 children and add another part in as the shots of Tom and Harriet are a little repetitive. It was suggested that i add the old man in his house looking at old photos or memorabilia of the young couple growing up and at the end do they audience think she is dead or alive.

My rough cut still has some changes to be made to it, I need to change the colouring of the children, so you can tell it is a memory. Then i also need to add some shots in to it to establish the different time periods and so people understand what the storyline is.
I received feedback from various people on how i can improve my work, i didn't tell them anything about it so i could see if they understood the video without background information.

Philip age 17: "There are a variety of shots, good lighting and focus, however i didn't really understand the link between the man and the kids".

Kate age 49: "You need to put something in between the old man and the start of the children, so people know what the story is about, as you can't always tell people before they watch it, especially the examiner".